Thu 8 Nov 2007
The prevalence of close online communities have brought an issue to light — at least for me — that I believe is becoming almost systemic in nature, and that is an increasing number of people who have serious intimacy issues.
It could be that I notice this because these communities themselves are the perfect haven for emotionally unavailable people, and they are drawn to it because of the safety it provides. Where else can they go to have close relationships with others while still keeping them at arms’ length?
The question is whether these online communities are enabling the issue or are providing an outlet for otherwise pent up emotions.
I tend to think it’s a little of both.
The sad truth is that in the past 16 years that I’ve been heavily involved in the online community, most of the people I’ve met and become close to fall into this category. They all fit into the same pattern — they’re friendly, witty, intelligent and have no lives. All of their close friendships are with people online, and the people in their “real lives” are relegated to the status of friendly acquaintence.
I, myself, fit into this category. At work, I’m friendly, outgoing, some might even say effervescent. I have lots of work friends who I just love, but when work is over, I pull back. I keep to myself in the evenings and reserve any socialization for my online friends. Life is easier, less complicated and…well…safer that way.
People with intimacy issues often fit that mold exactly. They use wit to avoid having or facing emotional turmoil of any kind. They avoid confrontation and don’t allow themselves to get angry or offended at situations that would normally send someone through the roof. They are extremely introspective and willing to share their viewpoints on intimacy with others like them.
Interestingly enough, these people are very caring and giving to their online friends, where they have difficulty behaving the same way in their real lives. Again, I believe this is because they are “safer” online. Trust is not as much of an issue, because they don’t have to worry about being hurt in the same ways as they would in real life. They can be happy and enjoy their online relationships without fear of betrayal, because they tell themselves that the people they meet online are somehow not as important as people in their real lives, so if they get betrayed by someone online, it isn’t as big a deal.
Sadly, though, it can be.
When people who have never allowed themselves to really love another person let the wall down enough to actually let someone in — even online — getting hurt by that person can be as heartbreaking as any emotional pain they’ve felt in their real lives. And if the wall comes down enough that they actually start getting together in the “real world” with the object of their online affection, the breakup can be devistating. I experienced this first hand when I broke up with Brian, a man I grew to love online and subsequently dated for two years. When we finally parted ways, it was one of the most painful emotional experiences of my life. Luckily for me, I got a great friend out of it, and he and I still keep in contact, albiet sporadically, today.
That said, one of my very close online friends and I were discussing this recently and he said, “Being in love and feeling in love are two very different things.” That really struck me, because it rang so true, and I think it is the very crux of what happens when a person has intimacy issues. Romantic relationships online allow people with intimacy issues to feel like they would if they were really in love, but in most cases, these people don’t allow themselves to actually be in love. Not in real life.
If you’re a person with intimacy issues, this makes sense. If you’re not, it’s probably meaningless. But trust me, it’s true.
When all is said and done, I’m of the opinion that, for an emotionally unavailable person, online communities and the close relationships they foster are both good and bad. They do give people an emotional outlet where they might not get one otherwise, but they also remove any incentive to get out in the real world and experience real life.
I’m telling you, there’s a book here somewhere. I’ve been toying with the idea of writing about this for some time — I’ve certainly done my research, and it continues today. I’d be interested in seeing what other people think about the issue. If you have an opinion, please feel free to comment on the site. Let me know whether you’d like your comment to be public or private, and maybe we can get a discussion going on the subject.
I look forward to hearing from you!
November 12th, 2007 at 9:26 am
I have extensive online experience, but I am not inclined to dating anyone from the Internet.
I think you are right - there is a book in there somewhere.
Would you go with fiction or non-fiction?
November 12th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
I’d definitely go with non-fiction, changing the names to protect the innocent, of course.
I think it’s a fascinating subject, and one that hasn’t been breached on that angle yet.
November 12th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I think the prospect for Internet relationships was more pure 15 years ago. There are far too many scams that have people jaded today.
I get 100 scam emails or more a week on such topics as relationships, penis enlargement, drugs. If replied to 1% of them I would have to move to Utah, get bigger inseams on my pants and be so medicated I wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere.
I use the internet constantly for work and my private life. But I use it more for what it was first developed for… research and business not so much for private life. I do have a myspace account but I have it more so to be sure my kids on my football team are keeping things “clean” so as to not create doubt in the minds of the coaches who are recruiting them. Weather we like it our not, it has become a screening table and people loose jobs over what people find out about them over the internet.
Brian
November 12th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
I think it really depends on the venue, Brian. I would certainly agree with you when it comes to AOL and the Internet at large. I have a relatively inactive Friendster account, and I have gotten the same scam message from a guy who “thinks my eyes are beautiful and wants to meet me” every month for two years. The message is the same every time - word for word.
On the other hand, there are still venues that are similar to what we had on AOL back in the early 90s. I’m an admited World of Warcraft addict, and the “guilds” there are very close knit groups of people who play and talk together all the time. (Similar to the regulars in the Nook back in the day.) Add to that closeness the addition of voice over IP, and you’ve got even more immediate opportunities to connect. I’m closer to the folks in my guild than I was to our gang back then, and that’s saying something.
Trust me when I say, though, that if you enjoy your life and the time you spend with your family, don’t EVER get a WoW account! It’s a life stealer for sure!
November 13th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Non-fiction is a good choice, but are you really sure that they are innocent?
November 15th, 2007 at 9:38 am
HaHa!
Good point! ;D