So, we have this person at work we’re calling “the phantom pooper.”

We have no idea who the phantom pooper is, but we know that she was raised in a barn, because she obviously snacks on hay if the smell she leaves behind is any indication.

It all started about a month ago when the call center for our company moved onto our floor. Gone were the quiet days when we could consentrate on our work. Instead, the floor was filled with clutter, loud noises and a plethora of new smells. A trip to the restroom was often an escape in those early days, but that didn’t last very long, once the phantom pooper left her mark.

And I don’t mean “left her mark” rhetorically, by the way. She quite literally left her mark, in the form of the long, stinky, brown skid-mark she always leaves on the toilet seat.

No, I’m not kidding.

And that’s not all! In addition to the skunk stripe she leaves as a calling card, she also leaves toilets unflushed, pee on the seats and floor (How does a woman do this?), and diarrhea spashed along the back of the toilet bowl. (Again, HOW does this happen?)

The concept of a courtesy flush is alien to her. She is proud of the smell of her poop and wants to make sure the rest of us can smell it, too!

The phantom pooper has become a subject of much conversation around the water cooler. Just who is she? What the HELL does she eat that smells so bad when it’s digested? In what position must she sit on the toilet to leave the diarrhea spray against the back like that? We warn others of her visits. “For the love of all that is holy, don’t go in there right now!”

I actually brought packs of matches to all my friends, so we can light one upon entering the restroom. Our only hope is that the fumes don’t combust and singe our eyebrows off. So far, so good.

We have begun an unofficial forensic investigation, and we know these things about the pooper:

  • She’s a big girl - Only a big girl could leave a skunk stripe like that on the toilet seat.
  • She’s not clean - She doesn’t wipe her rear end, people!
  • She’s insensitive to the needs of others - Those of us who are clean would like a restroom free of crap stains, floaters and pee puddles.

We have a few suspects. The big girl who comes to work with her pants unzipped because they’re too small and wears a short shirt, so everyone can see her open fly is the prime suspect.

I was actually in there the other day when she came in, talking on her cell phone. (This is another clue that she’s the phantom pooper. Who uses the restroom and talks on the cell phone at the same time? How does she wipe? What does the person on the other end of the phone hear?) From my stall, I heard her say to the person on the other end of the line, “It smells like smoke in here!” I answered her, “That’s from the match I light so I don’t have to smell everyone’s crap, since someone isn’t clean!” She just chuckled and farted.

Oh, yeah. I think we’ve found our gal!

Letters from HR have been sent out and have done no good, so now it’s up to my forensic squad to solve the problem. Once we’re completely sure who the pooper is, we’re giving her some object lessons on bathroom etiquette and a care package…moist towlettes, body spray, air freshener, her own pack of matches!

Until then, I’ll be using a restroom on one of the other floors. None of them smell like roses, but at least there are no racing stripes!